Updated: Apr 9
Sunday was one of the weirdest days of my life. My anxiety was insane, I had a killer headache, and I was so irritated by everyone and everything.
One of the reasons I felt this way was because of an exchange that occured over the phone between my husband and I who happens to be quarantined in a separate state. I haven't seen him in weeks. This "pause" and our isolation, separate from one another, makes "change" certain for our marriage, but in that moment, I couldn't put that into perspective and I lost control.
When I woke the next day, I was not my normal morning-person self. It was early and I was sad. I cried and layed there, my mind racing for two hours before I was able to drag myself to my yoga mat.
Once there, I tried to move, but felt completely uninspired and distracted. At this point I was beyond annoyed with myself. I knelt in a ball at my altar and cried some more. When I turned my attention to my body I saw nothing but a lump of darkness. When I saw this, I knew what was wrong - my grief was showing up. Upon this realization, I continued there and allowed myself to mourn the loss of of my "old" relationship when I received a message, “go for a walk - move!"
I stepped outside into the most insane fog I have ever seen in the city. This weather was so fitting to the gloom I felt within. As I began to walk and feel my breath I felt more hopeful and spacious. I looked up and saw the outline of the sun behind the clouds; it was shining so bright within the darkness. Nature reminded me of the light always within me - even when the darkness is all-consuming.
When I got home, I sat to draw my experience and then engaged the image in some dialogue, a tool my mentor Swati Miller teaches.
What are you? I am darkness.
What do you want? I want light.
What do you need? I need you to let go.
We should particular attention to what is revealed as a need in this type of creative expression.
Let go?! What does that mean for my marriage? I spent the rest of the day trying to make meaning of this message and thanks to a woman's group I belong to, I was able to find the light I wanted.
I realized that I was holding tight to the way I thought my relationship was supposed to be and feeling disappointed when it didn't go as I expected. I felt heavy and I was really playing the victim; I allowed this pain to ruin a good portion of my day. My need for control was controlling me, but what was the alternative?
What if I let go?
What if instead of gripping tight onto what my relationship used to be, I allow for expansion into the unknown?
What if I trust that from this challenging time a more pure relationship will be born?
I have everything to gain from learning to "let go" in my marriage at this time - spaciousness, spontaneity, joy, playfulness, wonder, and deep connection and I look forward to this practice.
I will gently practice 'letting- go' this week with the Full Moon in other areas of my life too like cleansing my body and mind with pure food and impressions and clearing space in my home and yard.
Join my Facebook Group Practice Your Way To Transformation to learn how to process your experiences of this "pause" in a similar way. I would appreciate hearing your answers to the following questions there: In what ways are your relationships changing during this pause? In what ways can you apply the wisdom of 'letting go' into your life? What else in your life needs purification and release?